I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper