My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
You Might Also Like
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car