I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
You Might Also Like
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.