I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place