I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.