Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
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Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
No. YOU-buprofen.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall