Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Don’t talk down to me
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.