Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.