Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.