Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.