i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”