harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.