Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me logging onto twitter
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo