Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Animal poetry
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.