driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way