I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
You Might Also Like
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes