If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
saw this in a dream
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey