I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Just got to our Airbnb!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty