With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m having an out of money experience.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.