Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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This kid is going places
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
scared to check what name she chose
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
He wanted to make sure😂
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.