Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.