Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da