Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?