Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
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Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I didn’t come here to be called names
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]