*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh