My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.