My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.