THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
$4 #usedbooks
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident