Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding