It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.