Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
❤️❤️❤️
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity