Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I’m tired tomorrow.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.