Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Nice try Hitler
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.