i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?