[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
You Might Also Like
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
no cat here
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
dude it’s called proctologist
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others