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My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Worst perfume name ever.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun