[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
They’re not wrong
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.