My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
good work, detective
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase