Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
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“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.