love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.