I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR