Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
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*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Breaking news:
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
work smarter, not harder
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change