Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
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I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”