The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Brilliant!
@ candidates for local office
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
i baked you a cake
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now