The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
favorite tropes as memes
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!