My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
He just like my cat fr
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.