Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road