You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Bless you
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!