DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: