COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
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God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark